I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
