I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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