She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Someone shattered a urinal.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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