i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
