pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
