i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
