break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
