You just made me feel so damn special
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
