I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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