I have demons in me.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
