Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
