great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
