please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
