I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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