How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You were trust falling into bushes
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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