i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
