dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
