Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
