In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
