I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
