Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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