She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have post one night stand depression
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