new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
