i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
