I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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