and next time when you feel me up, do it right
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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