before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm experimenting with sincerity
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
