omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
