So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
