He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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