saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
everyone is single if you try hard enough
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
