I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
