My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
