Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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