I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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