Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
