You made me cry and you don't even care
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
