I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
