i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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