Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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