Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
