He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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