Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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