She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
