tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
