what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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