I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
