I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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