I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
