I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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