we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
