Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
