how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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