You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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