She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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